For all of the mom’s out there (and Dad’s, we’re not discriminating!) who were burnt out years ago, seeing mental hospitals in their near future as their impending mental breakdown has felt imminent, but somehow, they keep chugging along…I see you, I know you, I AM you. About 3 years ago, I was having a conversation with my co-workers about what we did over the weekend. I told them I had a crazy busy weekend planned (as usual), which consisted of my child’s sports game, cleaning the house, meal planning and grocery shopping, and who knows what else. I was always trying to pack as much as I could into the two days, I had off and it was usually mostly stuff I had to do, rather than stuff I wanted to do. This specific weekend however, I had hit the proverbial wall. I had no emotional capacity to do half of the things on my list, and I could not for the life of me, muster any energy to make it happen. So, I did the only thing I could do, I took those things off of my “TO DO” list. Talking to my co-workers, I told them I was extremely burnt out and had too many things on my TO DO list, so I just took some things off my list. It was FANTASTIC! I ended up getting the time that I needed to recharge my batteries and was able to build my capacity back up again. My co-workers just laughed and said, wow, I wish I could just take stuff off my list! As if it wasn’t an option for them and I was living in a fantasy land.
This got me thinking, surely, they don’t HAVE to do everything on their list, they WANT to do everything on their list. It is amazing to me the amount of pressure, requirements and unrealistic expectations we put on ourselves. Do I have to clean my house? No, I don’t have to. Will I have to live with the consequence of a dirty house? Yes. But what else will happen if I don’t clean my house? Will I get in trouble? Will my entire life fall apart? Will I get so behind in housekeeping that I’ll never be able to catch up again? The answer is no, no and not even close.
I had to learn this lesson after my Dad passed away. I, like many other millennials, have a hard time relaxing. I have a hard time sitting down when there are things to be done. And maybe this isn’t only a millennial thing, but also a high achieving, people-pleasing thing. For most of my young adult life, ages 18-29, I could not relax if my house was messy, if there was stuff to be done. My Dad passed away unexpectedly when I was 29 and it drastically changed my perspective on life. I realized right away that I did not have coping skills (other than drinking alcohol), and that I was thrown into a hurricane of grief. My anxiety was through the roof. Every morning I woke up, he died all over again as the realization that he was gone washed over me. In the first few weeks after he passed, I had no capacity for anything. I could barely take care of myself. I remember taking a bath almost every single day, sobbing in the candle light, searching for any shred of relief I could find. Laying in bed, I realized I didn’t want to leave my bed. I didn’t want to see people, because every time I did, they would tell me how sorry they were and it would just rip open the wound that I was struggling to heal. It was in the thick of this grief, that I realized for the first time in my life, that I didn’t HAVE to do anything. I didn’t have the capacity to clean my house or make food, or go to work. So I didn’t. I laid in bed, depressed, overwhelmed, anxious and numb. But what I learned after weeks of laying in bed, is that my world didn’t fall apart. Of course, my whole world had been turned upside down, but taking a break from my day-to-day responsibilities did not ruin anything. When I was finally able to muster the energy to do the dishes and pick up a few things in the house, I was so proud of myself. I realized then, that I had spent my whole life doing things that I thought HAD to be done or everything would come crashing down. But when I took that much needed break, they didn’t.
As Mom’s, we are always anticipating everyone else’s needs, planning, mentally adding reminders and tasks to our TO DO lists, and making sure everything runs smoothly in our household. We always put ourselves and our own needs last, because we have grown up in a society that glamorizes the martyr. But what does the martyr get? They give all of themselves away, they sacrifice all of their own needs to ensure that everyone else is happy. In the end, do they get a big prize in return? No. Is it the ultimate sign of love? No. Is it absolutely exhausting, mentally and physically draining and wreaks havoc on our health? Yes. So why do we continue this way of being? Survival is probably the biggest thing that comes to mind. As Mother’s, we make a house a home. We want our children to feel warm, comforted, and nurtured. We want them to be healthy, happy and well rounded. Somewhere along the way, expectations for Women have grown exponentially, to the point of burnout. In the past, Women stayed home and raised kids. They were housewives who did the cooking, cleaning and child-rearing. Husband’s went to work and financially supported the family. But when the cost of living kept going up and up, but wages did not follow suit, Women were forced into the workplace. But the household duties and child-rearing obligations did not just disappear. Now, Women are expected to do the same amount of household work while also working a full-time job and taking their children to school and extracurricular activities. So we added an extra 40 hours of work a week to their already 40+ hours of work a week that it takes to run their household.
It is insane to think that that is sustainable. Do our husbands help out? Some of them do. But for the vast majority, having two working parents who are exhausted after work, having to take on all of the extra household duties, is absolutely unsustainable long-term. We are burnt out. We are sick of being told, just wake up earlier and do an hour of exercise at 4am and then prepare your crock pot meal because you won’t have time to make dinner when you get home before bringing your son to soccer practice. When did it become normal to run yourself ragged, to the point of mental and physical exhaustion, just to get by? We are living in a culture of surviving instead of thriving. We are beyond burnout. Burnout was years ago. This, this is something different. The rich are getting richer, the poor are getting poorer, and it’s all happening on the backs of the working class. When do we get a break? The answer is…NOW. You are allowed to take a break any time you want. You are allowed to take things off of your TO DO list. You are allowed to do absolutely nothing. You are allowed to spend quality time with your children and leave your house messy, not cook dinner, not go grocery shopping today, etc. Your world will not fall apart.
We are human beings, not human doings. We are designed to be seasonal creatures, just like all of the creatures and living organisms on this earth. We don’t ask flowers to bloom in the dead of winter, because they wouldn’t survive. We don’t fish constantly without taking the time to mend our nets. We don’t mow our lawn in a flood. We need to remind ourselves that we are not designed to constantly be doing and achieving. We are designed to have periods of rest. We are supposed to have time to recharge. In fact, we NEED it and we HAVE to have it. So contrary to what society glamorizes, or what outlandish expectations you have set for yourself, remember that the most important way to have a happy, healthy, fulfilling life, is balance.
Learning to create balance in your life looks like setting boundaries. It looks like making time for the things you have to do, the things you want to do and doing absolutely nothing. Learning to be okay with doing absolutely nothing without feeling guilty about. Learning that you deserve time alone and time to rest. Learning to take things off your TO DO list if you have no capacity to do them, preserving your mental and physical health. You are not crazy for doing that, you are smart. You only get this one precious life. When you are on your deathbed, do you want to experience a sense of peace in knowing that you made time for the people you love, that you made time to experience all of the things you wanted to do, and that you made time for the things that actually matter? Yes, yes you do. So today, if this speaks to where you currently are in life, beyond burnout, there is great news! You don’t have to stay there, you CAN change your life and you can create the life of your WILDEST DREAMS! If you have no idea how to do that, you’ve come to the right place!
I’ll be releasing a Beyond Burnt Out checklist that you can use to determine where you currently are, and where you want to be. Then, I will help you get there! Together, as Mom’s (and Dad’s) who are beyond burnt out, we can get back to living a life that feels good, aligned and fulfilling.
Stay tuned!
Much Love,
Jessie